Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
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