the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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