woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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