I could make wine with my vomit
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
