No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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