he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Sex in the backyard? Check.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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