Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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