Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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