Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Randomize
