My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
