love makes seman taste better
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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