me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
