In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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