The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
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