an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
