I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
