Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
