the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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