We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
