I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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