im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
