So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
