I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
