I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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