its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
