Where is the hickey?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I know her cup size but not her name....
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