i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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