My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
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