you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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