i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
