i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
