Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
