ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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