Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I need moral support for this bender
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
