please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
