Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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