She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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