You're my little dorito
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
