I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
A+ Viking dick
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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