Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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