A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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