is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
