You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
