Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
