Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
