One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
