His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
