my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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