I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
40s are totally the cure
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
