the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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