Cold hands, warm shart.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I need a burrito and a hug.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
