There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Four minutes until I can fart!
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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