went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
