my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
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