Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
