Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
