just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
there is glitter all over my balls
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