GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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